poltr1 | Love vs. Infatuation.....

Many years ago, advice columnist Ann Landers ran this item. It has since become one of her most requested columns for reprinting.

I found an online source at http://drirene.com/isitlove.htm .

Is it Love or Infatuation?

Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.

Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away! I can't risk losing you!"

Love says, "Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence."

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you can admit it is difficult to be in one another's company unless you are sure it will end - in intimacy.

Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating. Sometimes you check.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.

Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

To all of this, I would have to say: maybe. sometimes.

I've seen sudden infatuation between longtime friends. I've also seen people connect on a soul-level from day one.

My admittedly simplistic rule of thumb: If it makes the sane crazy, it's infatuation; if it makes the crazy sane, it's love :)

I like that!

Nothing can make the crazy sane except meds and/or years of therapy coupled with a willingness to do some really hard work. Some incredibly broken people engage in years of serial infatuation, to the harm of themselves, their partners, and other people around them, hoping to find the one person who's gonna love 'em enough to "fix" them. I got news for 'em: AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. In fact, until you're something reasonably approaching sane in the first place, you're not going to find "love" in the manner that the article describes.

A. I did state 'admittedly simplistic'.

B. Perhaps I should have specified 'for certain values of "crazy" and "sane".

C. Your mileage may most certainly vary.

D. Offer not valid in Massachusetts.

Heh. As a simplistic rule of thumb that works for me! ;-)

Good points there. Reading that, I think I have only had that kind of love once. Maybe not.

I doubt I will ever find that kind of love.... who knows.

I doubt I will ever find that kind of love.... who knows.

Sometimes that kind of love finds you, especially when you're not looking for it.

I know. I stopped looking awhile ago. Notice I don't bitch about being single anymore? Remember I even got mad at Lorayne for suggesting I needed to be in a relationship? I still don't think I will find that kind of love.

Well... before I met Ed I dated a LOT of people. I married a very nice guy who was, as it turned out, probably not the right guy for me. I've either stayed friends with or lost touch with my exes. (or, in the case of Iain, had just started rekindling a friendship when he killed himself sigh).

Almost every night I lay next to Ed and say a quiet blessing/prayer of gratitude. I think there are many reasons that we've been together for going on ten years of marriage now and a couple before that of dating/living together.

After my divorce I went through some serious soul searching and really asked myself "what do I want in a partner? What do I *need* in a partner?"

I also admitted to myself that what might seem attractive to me wasn't necessarily what I really wanted long term.

What amazes me is the constant realization that no matter what happens I am 99.9999999999999999% sure that Ed will always be there with me, for me, laughing, holding on through hard times, making me think, arguing... driving me crazy at times but igniting my soul at other times.

Another thing that a wise friend of mine once said when I was puzzling over my (then) potential divorce: "You don't need to like all the same things, but it helps if 6 or more of your top ten passions overlap." Ed and I have that. Iain and I didn't. We DID have things in common: fandom, music appreciation, some books.... but his passion belonged to computers and to another woman that I decided I could not share. Ed and I share almost all our passions (not all but almost all) - there is even overlap on the things we don't share (e.g. He adores trains and model trains - I'm not quite as crazy for them but I really like them).

Ed and I also have music. Making music is a bond that always brings us together. It's funny but when we first met I was trying to "break into folk" professionally and I swore we wouldn't gig professionally because I didn't want that to come between us, but through the years we realized that it just made sense. How not? Music is there when all else fails.

I think a lot of it too is just plain commitment- I hasten to say that this is speaking for ME only. Everyone has different issues, but for me I realize now that although I *thought* I was committed to Iain, I wasn't. When I look forward I literally can not imagine life without Ed anymore. I'm sure (god forbid!!!! avert avert!) I'd survive but I can't imagine it.

Love - is being able to laugh in really really terrible hard times (we're due for a break soon I hope!). I think this is what I see when I read

singlemaltsilk's 'rule of thumb'- Ed makes the crazy crazy hard times sane. Knowing we are truly in it together is really huge.

When I was trying to decide to get a divorce I said to my wise older sister "But I love Iain, he's a good guy!" she said "Yes, he is. There are a lot of good guys. You'll even love lots of them. You don't have to be married to all of them." Truer words were never spoken.

It took me a long time but I finally found "the right one" or some friends might say "a right one." :-) Finally I will say that the words of "Give Yourself to Love" are so true -
"love comes when you are ready, it comes when you're afraid." I was not really looking when I met Ed. I wasn't ready to pick up my life and leave a huge circle of good and interesting friends in Ann Arbor. I wasn't ready to become a step mom to teenage girls. But... I just followed my heart and I have no regrets.*

(*except wishing Ann Arbor was a lot closer to VT!)

Love vs. Infatuation.....

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Mew rambles on about love - sorry!