Not A Social Call...
May. 12th, 2013 11:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
poltr1[WARNING: This post covers a topic that may trigger some people.]
Last month, my New Warrior brother and friend Doug Powers in Indianapolis directed a production of Extremities, a play designed to create awareness about the problem of date rape.
25 years ago, I was involved in a similar production in college. My fraternity brother, Jason Hotchkiss, wrote a play called "Not A Social Call", which dealt with the same issue. Before he joined us, Jason wrote a regular sex-ed column for one of the school's newspapers.
I first met Jason when I volunteered for the school's Anti-Rape Task Force, an all-volunteer student organization that provided walking and driving services to other students. We worked in pairs, wore photo IDs, and had background checks done.
The night of my group orientation, I was with Jason and Jody Harkavy, two other members and leaders of the group. While I was riding in their van, I remember them giving me a lot of statistics -- many cases of sexual assault go unreported, most assaults are done by people that the survivor knew, and there are very few prosecutions. Men can get raped too. They also told me a horror story about a young woman who came home to her dorm room late one night, went to bed, and woke up the next morning, and saw the words "Good thing you didn't turn on the light" written in lipstick on her dormmate's mirror. (I didn't know it at the time, but the story turned out to be an urban legend.) I drove a passenger van around the Main St. Campus area once a week for a couple of semesters.
As for the play, it was about two people who first meet at a party. The guy ended up stalking her. And she was left to deal with the consequences. There was also a Q&A session afterward, led by the cast. I still remember the soundtrack we used: "Intruder" by Peter Gabriel, "Small Blue Thing" by Susanne Vega, and "Thanksgiving" by George Winston.
After graduation, I lost touch with Jason.
I really hope that we've made some progress in reducing the amount of incidents since then. But when I read about or hear about more incidents, I sigh and shake my head. And so the educating must continue.
I know several women who have confided in me that they are survivors of sexual assault. Some of them have told me their stories, their experiences, their feelings, and their thoughts.
Based on what I know, what would I tell my fellow men? First, we men need to learn to observe and respect the boundaries that women have drawn for themselves and their bodies. We should never assume that a woman is interested in intimacy and/or sex if she dresses suggestively or provocatively (e.g. cosplay). "No" means "no", period. If you're not sure, ask. We don't need to prove our masculinity through the number of sexual experiences, either one or several. And we men need to know about the trauma that survivors of rape and/or sexual assault experience after the incident. In many cases, it lasts a lifetime. (One survivor described it as living through her own murder.)
Sex is a deeply personal experience. Don't use it as a weapon.
Last month, my New Warrior brother and friend Doug Powers in Indianapolis directed a production of Extremities, a play designed to create awareness about the problem of date rape.
25 years ago, I was involved in a similar production in college. My fraternity brother, Jason Hotchkiss, wrote a play called "Not A Social Call", which dealt with the same issue. Before he joined us, Jason wrote a regular sex-ed column for one of the school's newspapers.
I first met Jason when I volunteered for the school's Anti-Rape Task Force, an all-volunteer student organization that provided walking and driving services to other students. We worked in pairs, wore photo IDs, and had background checks done.
The night of my group orientation, I was with Jason and Jody Harkavy, two other members and leaders of the group. While I was riding in their van, I remember them giving me a lot of statistics -- many cases of sexual assault go unreported, most assaults are done by people that the survivor knew, and there are very few prosecutions. Men can get raped too. They also told me a horror story about a young woman who came home to her dorm room late one night, went to bed, and woke up the next morning, and saw the words "Good thing you didn't turn on the light" written in lipstick on her dormmate's mirror. (I didn't know it at the time, but the story turned out to be an urban legend.) I drove a passenger van around the Main St. Campus area once a week for a couple of semesters.
As for the play, it was about two people who first meet at a party. The guy ended up stalking her. And she was left to deal with the consequences. There was also a Q&A session afterward, led by the cast. I still remember the soundtrack we used: "Intruder" by Peter Gabriel, "Small Blue Thing" by Susanne Vega, and "Thanksgiving" by George Winston.
After graduation, I lost touch with Jason.
I really hope that we've made some progress in reducing the amount of incidents since then. But when I read about or hear about more incidents, I sigh and shake my head. And so the educating must continue.
I know several women who have confided in me that they are survivors of sexual assault. Some of them have told me their stories, their experiences, their feelings, and their thoughts.
Based on what I know, what would I tell my fellow men? First, we men need to learn to observe and respect the boundaries that women have drawn for themselves and their bodies. We should never assume that a woman is interested in intimacy and/or sex if she dresses suggestively or provocatively (e.g. cosplay). "No" means "no", period. If you're not sure, ask. We don't need to prove our masculinity through the number of sexual experiences, either one or several. And we men need to know about the trauma that survivors of rape and/or sexual assault experience after the incident. In many cases, it lasts a lifetime. (One survivor described it as living through her own murder.)
Sex is a deeply personal experience. Don't use it as a weapon.
