Periods of deep loneliness......

[poltr1]

OVFF hasn't even happened yet, and I'm already feeling post-con blues.

There are times in my life when I feel all alone, even though I may be in a room full of people at the time.

I'm tired of always having to make introductions or initiating conversation.

Old emotional wound: I remember in 7th grade, I tried to join a group of classmates for lunch, and they kept telling me, "Goodbye, Jim." So I ate my lunch alone.

That's when I learned to not invite myself into conversations or people's lives. I've since called this "vampire rules" -- I don't go where I'm not invited.

People rarely call or send me email. And none of my good friends are in town.

If fandom's a family, then I certainly feel like the black sheep of the family.

I know everyone's busy. I'm busy too. But not so busy that I don't think about people.

Comments

[supurrkitten.livejournal.com]

You know you will feel better at the con. It is like disney land. It is a safe place. I hope you feel better soon. Life is hard sometimes. We all feel alone, cause we are. You probably need to work on your relationship with your wifey a bit. Sometimes they are all we have, the spouses, you know.

[poltr1]

It is a safe place.

Not as safe as I'd like.

I stopped attending one of the local housefilks because it seemed to be the same old thing each session. I also had a falling out with the host, who happened to be my filk mentor at the time.

And then there was the Friday night at OVFF in '98, when I sat in a hallway and everyone was so busy with what they were doing and where they were going next that I became part of the periphery, and the wallpaper. That's when I started thinking "Filkers Are Not Friends" and wrote the words to what would become one of my ose songs. Thankfully, that trend has changed, beginning in '02 and my appearance here on LJ.

And since M was born, R has become colder to me.