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poltr1Had a good Mabon ritual this afternoon. Didn't get to schmooze (and nosh at the post-ritual potluck) as much as I would have liked. The girl conked out in the car on the way to the ritual and R skipped the ritual to be with her. (One of the major rules here is "Thou shalt not wake the sleeping child.") R was upset with me that I waited until after I ate to relieve her from mommy duty. She expected me to come get her after the ritual. (But did she state that to me? No. She expects me to read her mind, or to volunteer more. I take the "lifeguard" approach -- I won't jump in the water and save someone unless someone calls out for help.)
As much as I love my little one, there are times where she becomes my ball-and-chain. Our social life has been seriously curtailed since she was born. We rately eat out, and we don't go to movies. (As if we did those things before the kid came along.) Spending time online in LJ and other forums has become my primary social outlet. I am not an asocial loser, and I don't want to be labeled as such.
What about a babysitter? We don't have one that we trust enough to be with her and our house's clutter. Plus I don't know how much they charge now. Grandparents are not an option: one set is about 400 miles away, and we are estranged from the surviving member of the other set.
I also recently checked my LJ-friends list and saw that someone recently unfriended me. Perhaps it was some comments I left in a recent LJ entry of theirs about personal growth and change, and invited them (3rd person singular gender-neutral here) to consider the opportunities. But they (again, 3rd person singular gender-neutral) didn't see it that way; they saw it more as a demand and got defensive, saying that if they had to change in order to get other people to like them, then screw' em.
Now, I can go crying in my milk (or beer, or whatever beverage I have handy) about it, bargain with them to come back, or be callously indifferent to it and say "Your loss. Have a nice life." But in the last several years, my life has been full of changes and personal growth. I can either ride that wave of change, or be swept underneath it. If I don't change, I stagnate and eventually die that way. I know I shouldn't expect others to have the same attitude about change -- some are deathly afraid of it. Added: I like this person as they are, and see tremendous potential in them, even if they don't see it in themselves. So I'll just cut my losses and move on.
As much as I love my little one, there are times where she becomes my ball-and-chain. Our social life has been seriously curtailed since she was born. We rately eat out, and we don't go to movies. (As if we did those things before the kid came along.) Spending time online in LJ and other forums has become my primary social outlet. I am not an asocial loser, and I don't want to be labeled as such.
What about a babysitter? We don't have one that we trust enough to be with her and our house's clutter. Plus I don't know how much they charge now. Grandparents are not an option: one set is about 400 miles away, and we are estranged from the surviving member of the other set.
I also recently checked my LJ-friends list and saw that someone recently unfriended me. Perhaps it was some comments I left in a recent LJ entry of theirs about personal growth and change, and invited them (3rd person singular gender-neutral here) to consider the opportunities. But they (again, 3rd person singular gender-neutral) didn't see it that way; they saw it more as a demand and got defensive, saying that if they had to change in order to get other people to like them, then screw' em.
Now, I can go crying in my milk (or beer, or whatever beverage I have handy) about it, bargain with them to come back, or be callously indifferent to it and say "Your loss. Have a nice life." But in the last several years, my life has been full of changes and personal growth. I can either ride that wave of change, or be swept underneath it. If I don't change, I stagnate and eventually die that way. I know I shouldn't expect others to have the same attitude about change -- some are deathly afraid of it. Added: I like this person as they are, and see tremendous potential in them, even if they don't see it in themselves. So I'll just cut my losses and move on.
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babysitting
Date: 2004-09-19 08:41 pm (UTC)Going rate? For an older student, I'd say about 8.00/hour. That might seem expensive, but I suspect (like us) you don't want a teenager, so you've got to pay more. For us, it's well worth every dollar.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-20 06:19 am (UTC)One Night A Week OUT For You - Poltr1 must have one night a week outside of the house, where Poltr1 gets to A) be Not Daddy for the night B) Poltr1-the-adult for a night C) pursue personal interests that lie outside his relationship with R D) pursue personal friendships that lie outside his relationship with R
One Night A Week OUT For R - R must have one night a week outside of the house, where R gets to A) be Not Mommy for the night B) R-the-adult for a night C) pursue personal interests that lie outside her relationship with Poltr1 D) pursue personal friendships that lie outside her relationship with Poltr1
One Night A Week OUT For The Girl - M must have one night a week outside of the house, where M gets to be A) not The Child for the night B) pursue personal friendships that lie outside her relationship with her parents
The Logic behind this system:
1) If neither of you leaves the house regularly as adults on your own, neither of you will be able to pursue, acquire, and maintain local, lasting, and/or loving frienships with other people. Yes, the internet goes a long way towards addressing this need, but it is Not A Substitute for interacting face-to-face with local people.
2) If niether of you leaves the house regularly and makes friends with other people local to you, your odds of finding a reliable and trustworthy babysitter for M remain exactly what they are right now, which is utter shite, to hear you both tell it. Making friends with others similar in age to yourselves gains you access to both them and their teenage children as potential sources of Babysitting, potentially via some kind of babysitting co-op which might in turn be 'free' to you (for certain specific definitions of the term 'free'. TANSTAAFL.).
3) Each adult getting a night out to be ThemSelves goes a long way towards reducing the petty resentments that can build up in any relationship over time. For one glorious night of the week, you Don't Have To Care. If the baby screams, it's not your problem. If the dishes are dirty, it's not your problem. If the Later Day Saints come calling, it's not your problem. It can be your problem tomorrow; but, for tonight, it's SEP.
4) M getting a night out provides her the social opportunities she will need as a growing child to be exposed to other people and alternative ways of living daily life. It provides her the opportunity to explore inter-personal relationships outside of the eyes and ears of Mommy and Daddy. It provides her an opportunity to be the fun, novel, exciting person in someone's world, and not the burden of responsibility and frequent source of being argued over that I'm certain she hears unless she is deaf. It gives her a break from Mom and Dad.
Reasons 5,6,7 and conclusion in the next comment (curse LJ's comment max length) -H...
no subject
Date: 2004-09-20 06:19 am (UTC)6) R staying home on Poltr1's night out gives R and M and night together to work on their mother/daughter relationship. It gives them a chance to find their points of commonality and to establish the fun things they do with each other that don't include Daddy.
7) Poltr1 and R being together on M's night out gives Poltr1 and R one planned, structured, time-limited night of the week together to work on their relationship with each other. That might mean having important talks that M doesn't need to be their for (like discussing the finances, which she wouldn't understand anyway) or to just Be With each other, to remember why they love each other in the first place. To maybe *gasp* Go Out On A Date Together. You know, somewhere *gasp* Nice. With *gasp* Linen Napkins! *shock* *amazement*
I know this can seem daunting. The idea of going out into the big wide world, especially for those of us who have never made friends easy and who are introverted and who aren't big Joiners, can be terrifying. However, if you don't do it, you'll never have the things above that you need. Like, friends. And babysitters that you trust.
So, seriously, Do The Above. Show the above to R. Oh, and in the meantime, Stop Making Excuses. The both of you make constant excuses (everytime I've talked with you both in person at least) for why you can't/won't do the above. Seriously, how many excuses did you make while you read the above? Trust each other enough to know that M *Really Will Be Fine* for a night alone with one of her parents. And support each other enough to shove the other person out the door if they're dragging their feet. -H...
no subject
Date: 2004-09-20 10:31 pm (UTC)BTW, I'll interpret "M's night out" as a night where J (that's me) and R go off and do something adult for a change -- dinner, a movie, shopping, a concert, or snuggling.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-21 06:28 am (UTC)When Xuth and I first started doing this, that's what we thought it was, too. Our chance to be adults together. Meanwhile, the grandparents thought of it as their night to spoil the grandchild. Some of the best night's Xuth and I spent together (back when there still was a "Xuth and I") were nights that we went right back home, and just had the house to ourselves, watched an R rated movie, and stuff. As I recall it, we watched *a lot* of movies; that's about all the more mental energy either of us had left after our respective weeks as employees/parents/student.
It wasn't until The Boy became older and his grandparents were unavailable one Friday, that he got all upset and said "But it's my night out!" ...
I think I drove him to my sisters house that night. Or maybe he and I had two date nights that week (that's how we talk about Daddy's night out is "our date night together"). Anyway, yeah, right now it's you two's night was adults, but there's the very real possibility that eventually M may come to think of it as her night out. Early warning and all.
Of course, it's all fresh in my mind, as The Boy and I just had our night together last night. Made homemade soup, played Sorry, then taught him how to play Battleship, then bedtime stories. Height of entertainment around here :) -H...
no subject
Date: 2004-09-20 10:12 am (UTC)To be practical: a "night out" could be just going out for a browse at a bookstore and _sitting down_ to read for a couple of hours. Similarly the library -- which has lots of books but you can't buy them so less temptation.
A night out could be browsing a mall, going for a long walk alone, gaming with buddies, going to a community event (a speaker?). You can do any of these along and they're free or really cheap.
If you're willing to compromise, a high school student may also work for baby-sitting. Ask neighbours who they know, or co-workers, or people at the supermarket. Ask the guidance department at a local school. You're liable to get 14 or 15 year olds, but they come cheaper. Jeez, I can remember the first time Dave and I went grocery shopping without kids: it felt like a very romantic date :-)
And if THAT doesn't work, what about an afternoon program on a weekend, where you could leave her even for two hours. There are places that do short-term group babysitting, but you'd have to dig them up yourself.
On the other issue, R & you are BOTH M's parents. Fathers don't "help" they parent. M is not R's sole responsibility. And you'd probably feel more ready to do that if you had _social_ time out.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-21 07:13 am (UTC)I find that life is only as challenging as you let it be, and things rise to the order of importance that you place upon them. When Xuth and I began this plan, he worked full-time, and I was a full-time student and a 32hr per week employee; one's work schedule only impeeds in the above if one lets it.
The real imposition is the lack of family locally whom you trust. And even that only cancels your abilty to have a night together. The way around that is to find a babysitter/friend that you trust. You have coven memebers; you have gaming friends; you have neighbors. Make the outreach necessary to become friends enough to know the people enough to find the person you trust enough to watch your child one night a week. Another option is to find jobs that pay enough so that you can hire someone trained, licensed, and bonded enough to hire a sitter one night a week. Both of these options take their time, and both have their risks.
But in the meantime, you can still each get your night out each week, because that relies only on each other. And I do make the blanket assumption that you are both trusting/trustworthy in this regard.
To be practical: a "night out" could be just going out for a browse at a bookstore
What jhayman said :) When Xuth and I first started this out, we were *broke*. Yes, we both worked constantly; that made rent. The real job that paid *all* the bills didn't come until The Boy was nerely two. There's *tons* of free/cheep things you can do: wander around Meijer; 2nd run movies;join a game at your local gaming store; join a fitness group; Parks&Rec activities; evening classes at the local college; watch the planes take off and land; open air concerts; open mic nights; visit friends; drive around listening to the radio; go anywhere with a pad of paper and a pencil, and write or sketch whatever comes to mind. I spent many of my nights out studying.
what about an afternoon program on a weekend, where you could leave her even for two hours.
I second that :) Many Parks&Recs and many YMCA's have programs in the late-afternoon weekdays and on Saturdays where you can take small children and, for a small (sometimes financial-aid-able) fee, have them be entertained and socialized with a group of children their own age, while you and the mom run away for a bit. Many parents take their own courses at the same facility at the same time. Or use that time to grocery shop. Or just nap.
Speaking of...many grocery stores are now running little daycare centers in the store. They tag your child and hand you a matching beeper; if they or the child need you, they beep you. The Boy thought it was loads of fun, and I can make a simple grocery run last 2 hours or more }:) It was one way to get some time to myself even on my night with the child. "Yes, really, it took me two hours to pick out this bottle of juice. Honest."
Fathers don't "help" they parent. M is not R's sole responsibility.
Yes, that. Exactly. I understand R's opinions on the subject, because there are many a time that I felt Xuth is not fathering well either. But the fact is, if I never let him father (by jumping in and doing it myself because "clearly he doesn't know what he's doing"), then Xuth is never going to learn. We went through a spell for about 6 months where it was far more crucial that I go out on my night's out to make sure *Xuth* took the steps he needed to take, than it was at all that I get my night out for peace of mind. And it has in turn taught me to lighten up, to not be such a task master, to let Xuth parent The Boy his way, even if it's not how I would do it. I've learned how to lighten up and not take *everything* so Oh Too Serious like I used to, and it's all because Xuth on several occasions remarked "Well, it works just fine on the night's you're not here."
You, Poltr1, need the space to become a Father in your own right, and that's far less likely to happen if R never gives you the chance (and you never take the chance) to actively *BE* a father. Sorry for the long-winded reply yet again. -H...
no subject
Date: 2004-09-27 08:20 am (UTC)