Mabon, fatherhood, and some minor LJ drama.....

[poltr1]

Had a good Mabon ritual this afternoon. Didn't get to schmooze (and nosh at the post-ritual potluck) as much as I would have liked. The girl conked out in the car on the way to the ritual and R skipped the ritual to be with her. (One of the major rules here is "Thou shalt not wake the sleeping child.") R was upset with me that I waited until after I ate to relieve her from mommy duty. She expected me to come get her after the ritual. (But did she state that to me? No. She expects me to read her mind, or to volunteer more. I take the "lifeguard" approach -- I won't jump in the water and save someone unless someone calls out for help.)

As much as I love my little one, there are times where she becomes my ball-and-chain. Our social life has been seriously curtailed since she was born. We rately eat out, and we don't go to movies. (As if we did those things before the kid came along.) Spending time online in LJ and other forums has become my primary social outlet. I am not an asocial loser, and I don't want to be labeled as such.

What about a babysitter? We don't have one that we trust enough to be with her and our house's clutter. Plus I don't know how much they charge now. Grandparents are not an option: one set is about 400 miles away, and we are estranged from the surviving member of the other set.


I also recently checked my LJ-friends list and saw that someone recently unfriended me. Perhaps it was some comments I left in a recent LJ entry of theirs about personal growth and change, and invited them (3rd person singular gender-neutral here) to consider the opportunities. But they (again, 3rd person singular gender-neutral) didn't see it that way; they saw it more as a demand and got defensive, saying that if they had to change in order to get other people to like them, then screw' em.

Now, I can go crying in my milk (or beer, or whatever beverage I have handy) about it, bargain with them to come back, or be callously indifferent to it and say "Your loss. Have a nice life." But in the last several years, my life has been full of changes and personal growth. I can either ride that wave of change, or be swept underneath it. If I don't change, I stagnate and eventually die that way. I know I shouldn't expect others to have the same attitude about change -- some are deathly afraid of it. Added: I like this person as they are, and see tremendous potential in them, even if they don't see it in themselves. So I'll just cut my losses and move on.

Comments

[maedbh7.livejournal.com]

I have to have told you this before, but if not I'm going to say it hear again, because I feel it is vitally important and I think you and R are failing yourselves, each other, and your daughter in this one regard:

One Night A Week OUT For You - Poltr1 must have one night a week outside of the house, where Poltr1 gets to A) be Not Daddy for the night B) Poltr1-the-adult for a night C) pursue personal interests that lie outside his relationship with R D) pursue personal friendships that lie outside his relationship with R

One Night A Week OUT For R - R must have one night a week outside of the house, where R gets to A) be Not Mommy for the night B) R-the-adult for a night C) pursue personal interests that lie outside her relationship with Poltr1 D) pursue personal friendships that lie outside her relationship with Poltr1

One Night A Week OUT For The Girl - M must have one night a week outside of the house, where M gets to be A) not The Child for the night B) pursue personal friendships that lie outside her relationship with her parents

The Logic behind this system:
1) If neither of you leaves the house regularly as adults on your own, neither of you will be able to pursue, acquire, and maintain local, lasting, and/or loving frienships with other people. Yes, the internet goes a long way towards addressing this need, but it is Not A Substitute for interacting face-to-face with local people.

2) If niether of you leaves the house regularly and makes friends with other people local to you, your odds of finding a reliable and trustworthy babysitter for M remain exactly what they are right now, which is utter shite, to hear you both tell it. Making friends with others similar in age to yourselves gains you access to both them and their teenage children as potential sources of Babysitting, potentially via some kind of babysitting co-op which might in turn be 'free' to you (for certain specific definitions of the term 'free'. TANSTAAFL.).

3) Each adult getting a night out to be ThemSelves goes a long way towards reducing the petty resentments that can build up in any relationship over time. For one glorious night of the week, you Don't Have To Care. If the baby screams, it's not your problem. If the dishes are dirty, it's not your problem. If the Later Day Saints come calling, it's not your problem. It can be your problem tomorrow; but, for tonight, it's SEP.

4) M getting a night out provides her the social opportunities she will need as a growing child to be exposed to other people and alternative ways of living daily life. It provides her the opportunity to explore inter-personal relationships outside of the eyes and ears of Mommy and Daddy. It provides her an opportunity to be the fun, novel, exciting person in someone's world, and not the burden of responsibility and frequent source of being argued over that I'm certain she hears unless she is deaf. It gives her a break from Mom and Dad.

Reasons 5,6,7 and conclusion in the next comment (curse LJ's comment max length) -H...